How to design a year to show up for yourself and others.
“I
should have taken today off; it’s been a tough day…it’s always a tough day.”
This was a conversation I was having with a client late last year. It had been
three years since his wife’s passing and the day of our discussion would have
been her 49th birthday. Before I could even ask my next question as to why he
hadn’t, he followed-up by explaining that he had too many meetings booked to
take the day off.
It
was what he said next that highlighted the real problem “Hopefully, next year
will be different.”
My
client is a successful and busy leader. As an important decision maker working
in a fast-paced, sales-driven organization, the chances are high that by the
time the date nears next year his calendar will again be filled with meetings.
Chances are even higher that his sense of obligation as a leader will keep him
from cancelling those meetings and prioritizing this day for himself.
The
reality is that without taking proactive action to block off that day for
himself, the outcome will not change.
This
situation is not unique to my client. It’s a common pattern I’ve witnessed,
especially with well-intentioned and often over-extended leaders. They allow their calendars to be driven by other people’s
priorities adding their own as an afterthought.
The
consequences are as predictable as they are frustrating. Not only does this
reactionary approach lead to regret, resentment and stress, but to quote John
Danahoe, the former CEO of eBay:
“The
world will shape you if you let it. To live the life you desire, you must make
conscious choices.”
Our
choices are demonstrated through our actions. Speaking with my client that day
I was reminded of how often I personally have reacted to similar situations by
waving my white flag, surrendering to the busyness. After missing too many
important events and disappointing both myself and the people I care the most
about, I created a simple annual exercise to proactively design a blueprint for
the year ahead.
Over
the past couple of years, I have shared this with friends, family and leaders
to help them build capacity, foster vitality and ensure the things most
important to them take precedence over
other people’s agendas for them.
This
exercise requires only three things: access to your calendar or schedule –
professional and personal, something to capture your reflections, and one hour
of undisturbed time. I love to hit a coffee shop, turn off my Wi-Fi and turn on
my favorite playlist with a tasty drink for this annual ritual.
Start
by Looking Back at the Previous Year
Use
the first 30 minutes to look through the previous year’s calendars reviewing
both your past personal and professional priorities and commitments. Looking
week by week, record observations from the following categories:
Specific dates and activities that were scheduled into your calendar that you’d like to make time for in the future. These could include birthdays, anniversaries, personal and professional events, traditions and experiences.
Specific dates or activities that you weren’t available for or that weren’t scheduled (and perhaps missed), that you’d like to make space for in the coming year.
Vacation time, specifically recording how much and when it was taken.
With as much detail as possible, any additional time you took off that was either unscheduled or scheduled last minute. This could include sick days, mental health days, caregiver days, time-off for personal appointments or any other unexpected emergencies.
To
close off the first part of the exercise, take a mental step back and record
any trends that you notice. This is not meant for you to judge or beat yourself
up, but instead build awareness of what worked and what didn’t, when you felt
energized and when you felt drained, what you want more of and what you need
less of moving forward.
Perhaps
you’ll notice decisions that were made from a sense of obligation to others or
based on the opinions of others, as was the case with my client. Consider where
your personal expectations and values have positively or negatively influenced
your choices.
To
deepen this reflection, imagine a stranger looking through your recorded
observations; what might they think are your values and priorities? This
distancing perspective often helps you see things with less emotion and more
openness.
Now Look
Forward at the Year Ahead
For
the next 30 minutes focus on the year ahead of you. Building from your recorded
insights and reflections, take action to transform hopes into reality by
designing your future.
Begin by building from your previous year in review. Start by transferring all the important dates into your calendar. If they are recurring, simply set them up to repeat year after year.
Consolidate a list of things that you’d like to make time for in the following year that may not have specific dates yet. Reflect both professional and personally. These may be general, such as attending a large industry conference, going to an outdoor music concert, or taking your kids camping for the first time. Add in reminders or placeholders for these events now.
Shift to focusing on vacation and personal time. Whether you have designated paid vacation days, or you are self-employed, everyone needs some dedicated, work-free regenerative time. In today’s 24/7 connected world, there may not ever be an ideal time to book a vacation or take personal time off. Wherever possible, officially schedule it your calendar or, at a minimum, tentatively block it. Much like my client, there will always be meetings and projects that will fill the calendar squeezing out your vacation time if you wait. Be proactive and make it a priority
To
close the exercise, repeat the same general reflections as you did in the first
30 minutes and record how you feel as you notice trends for the year in front
of you.
Take
the strangers perspective – have you designed a future that reflects a
fulfilling personal and professional life?
After
our call, my client went through this exercise. With his permission, this is a
part of what he shared:
“Directly
after our call I blocked my wife’s birthday for next year as a vacation day.
Now nothing can be booked over it. I plan to spend the day hiking which was
something we loved doing together. Giving myself this permission and taking
action has been incredibly empowering. Even more than that, I realized how
important it is for me to be of service to others. Looking at the past year it
became so clear that I was giving all of my energy away by trying to be
available to everyone, every day. I am redefining what being “of service” means
to me and looks like in my actions. I have scheduled time to share this with
others both at work and personally.”
Remember,
your priories come to light through your choices, but they come to life through
your actions.
Just because you are eager to unplug doesn’t mean others feel the same.
It’s vacation season! In anticipation you’ve blocked the time off in your calendar, met with colleagues to ensure your work is covered while away and set an informative out-of-office message. You are mentally prepared to put the phone down and leave work (and associated devices), behind for the week. A “digital detox” awaits you.
Fast forward a couple of days. Settling into vacation mode, you sip your morning coffee on the cottage dock when suddenly one of your vacation mates starts tapping away on their phone. Maybe it’s your spouse murmuring in frustration as they check their work email, a friend scrolling through Instagram insisting you check out someone’s latest post, a sibling asking you to take, and then retake, the perfectly framed “Zen mode” shot for a social media post.
Regardless of the distraction, it feels like your digital detox is contaminated before it even started, work anxiety is top of mind and relaxation-mode quickly evaporates. The response is typically to either give-up on your unplugged vacation or launch into the same arguments that only result in more arguments; neither being desirable or helpful.
First off, unless those device users are your kids (parents, you can lay down the law), you aren’t at work and you can’t ban people from using their phone or staying connected to work no matter how strong your preference or how good your intentions.
Outside of the legitimate reasons for people staying connected, such as being able to respond to emergencies, most phone use is largely optional. Here are some strategies to preserve your relaxation (and sanity) on vacation while also respecting others preferences.
1) Have a pre-vacation conversation to share your hopes and expectations.
Don’t expect people to read your mind or have the same expectations. You must communicate your vision, your hopes, and your requests with your vacation companions. Remember, a conversation is a two-way dialogue so ensure to ask for, and consider, their expectations also. Unless you are vacationing alone, compromise is required. Together you can set parameters and agreements. Examples could include:
Choosing one meal a day that is a phone-free zone.
Social media posting is done after vacation.
Work check-ins are done in the morning with laptops put away in a case throughout the day.
Most people tend to be very open to such requests and simply haven’t thought through how to loosen their grip on their devices or how their phone use impacts others. Those that don’t want to make such commitments have a right to say and, in my experience, the conversation still helps them to reflect on their relationship to their devices, work, vacations, and loved ones.
2) Stop aiming for the perfect vacation.
Some of us put such high expectations on vacations that we create a continuous cycle of stress. We work ourselves to the edge of burnout and then we want our vacation to be the perfect restorative antidote.
The biggest challenge with hoping for the perfect device-free, work-free vacation is that nothing ever goes perfectly! Adding this all-or-nothing thinking will inevitably leave you disappointed and overly focused on the negative (like when you stewed all morning about the person taking selfies while you attempted to enjoy the morning sunrise). The natural consequence of this preoccupation includes missing the many positive moments that followed that morning.
Remember, people aren’t using their devices to upset you, they are doing it for themselves; for their comfort, their enjoyment or out of habit. Let them imperfectly “do them” and you imperfectly “do you.” Drop the perfectionist thinking and instead tap into your feelings of gratitude and appreciation of the many beautiful experiences instead.
3) Reframe the frustration as an opportunity to practice letting go.
The reality is you will see people on their phones everywhere you go. Expect that you will feel triggered when others are on their devices. Know that you will feel the wave of worry as you think about the work piling up in your absence. The good news is that vacation time provides a little more headspace to use these moments of frustration as opportunities to practice letting go.
Our brain loves to control things and when things aren’t going the way we’d like we tend to default into blame-mode (everyone is ruining my vacation), getting us tangled up in factors outside of our control. In this case, other people’s actions. A simple approach to managing this stress includes slowing down and taking a deep breath when your vacation mate picks up their phone. Next, reflect on two simple perspectives-giving questions; what can you control? What is outside of your control?
What you can’t control: OTHER PEOPLE!
If they abide by the established parameters.
If they share your dedication to going device-free.
If they change their behavior.
What you can control: YOU!
You can have a conversation about device use before and during vacation.
You can practice setting realistic expectations for yourself and others and learn to focus on the positives as you go with the imperfect flow.
You can put a “letting go” plan in place to manage the frustration when you are triggered by other people’s device use.
Vacation is a wonderful opportunity to increase your Life and Leadership Vitality Quotient (LVQ). Enjoy it and all its imperfections while you practice focusing on the controllable and letting go of the rest. When you head back to work you can plug back in with a renewed sense of you and have a few additional strategies to extend vacation mode!
After a particularly exhausting Friday which consisted of back-to-back meetings, I resentfully looked at the following week only to realize a glaringly obvious problem—it was just as busy.
The most frustrating part of my predicament was that I was following the sage productivity advice. Looking at my calendar, you would see that it was beautifully color-coded with blocks for meetings, exercise, design/writing, email-checking, personal appointments, coaching calls, reflection, and reminders, all snuggly nestled around my travel and speaking schedule.
It was very pretty to look at, unfortunately, I still felt like I was chasing the carrot I could never catch as the fulfilling parts of life felt just out of reach.
What was clear was that although spots in my calendar were filled up with priorities, there was no space in my brain or energy in my body to effectively carry them all out. Instead I just felt perpetually overscheduled and fried by the end of the week.
At around the same time, my speaking schedule was getting busier, so I invested in an online scheduling platform to work with my calendar and automate my bookings and meetings. To begin using the platform, I had to set specific scheduling parameters such as when my workday began, how long meetings would run, or how many meetings a day.
Coming up with these guidelines was easy as I had been trying to follow these for the past year. The challenge was that I’d had little sustained success. I remember thinking, “This is exactly what I need: a system to make the decision for me!”
A few of my scheduling boundaries included:
· A pre-set maximum number of meetings a day
· 40-minutes blocked for lunch
· Meetings would default to 45-minutes versus the standard 60-minutes
· A 15-minute buffer between meetings
As a researcher, I monitored the changes, charting the day-by-day impact (yes, I love data and am a geek for trends). Immediately, I noticed an amazing difference throughout each day.
Adding a time buffer between meetings gave me the opportunity to shake off the emotions from the previous meeting and mentally reset for the next one. I found myself standing up and moving around more between appointments leaving me less exhausted at the end of the day.
At lunch, I started getting outside more, sitting, walking and just enjoying my lunch away from my desk.
The most notable change was that I now had the energy to start the day, and this energy was sustained until the end of the day. It wasn’t just physical energy, which was noticeable, but I also felt this high-quality mental energy that enabled me to carry out more focused work. I found myself more contemplative in how my “to-do’s” aligned with my business strategy. I was less distracted and more able to work on one thing at a time and finish it!
Within days, my family noticed the difference, too—I was more present and more disciplined at shutting off work. I was more patient, and I laughed more. The weekends stopped being a reprieve to catch up and became a time to actively recharge and recover by exploring new things such as learning to box and connecting with friends and family more.
And yet, with all these positive changes, about two months in, I found myself trying to override the system, attempting to squeeze in more meetings. People would request meetings and, even though I’d reached the maximum allotment for the day, I’d just squeeze them in, anyway!
Now, it may not be obvious, but I’m a logical and self-aware person. I realized that no one else would be checking my calendar and scolding me if I overrode it, so I had to ask myself, Why would I do this?
Upon reflection, I realized that there were a few areas this automated platform didn’t address. It didn’t manage my driving emotions not to disappoint. Nor did it manage my deeply ingrained belief that I should give 110% at work every day. Finally, it did not address my shear hubris that if I was feeling so good, I could or should do more.
Yet, as I started squeezing more in, my energy started leaking out and the benefits quickly dissipated. I had successfully found my tipping point, and it became clear that I needed more personal management before I could leverage the automated management. I practiced a ritual that I use when working with clients that forced me to slow down, shift out of “busy mode” and consider the impact of my choices.
When I feel I need to override the system here is the 1-minute habit I now practice:
1. I take a moment to fully stop.
Fingersoff the keyboard. If in a conversation, I stop myself from automatically accepting meetings and say I will check my schedule and get back to the person.
2. I refocus by checking-in with compassion for myself.
I ask myself, What am I feeling right now? I take a few deep breaths and tap into my self-compassion by acknowledging that things are difficult and that I feel pulled in many directions.
3. I then challenge my reality with curiosity.
Why would I choose to be less effective today? This question forces me to think instead of getting swept away in the feelings that contribute to short-sighted decisions.
4. Finally, I shift my thinking out to the world.
Iask myself, What is the value and consequence to saying “yes”? This question realigns me with my values and, just as important, the impact my choices will have on others, before moving outside my boundaries.
Yes, some days require me to go over my allotted number of meetings. Sometimes, I must book a lunch meeting due to a client’s schedule. However, the value of boundaries is that they give you the space to work within.
Now, whether automated or not, my schedule serves as a great reminder to not let the busyness of the moment override my vision of my future. But only my choices will ensure it!
A few years back I decided to take my
husband away for a surprise vacation. This was partly motivated by the flight
reward points I had been accumulating with my business travel. My hope was that
when redeemed, it would save us a bundle on the travel costs. Excitedly I
called the rewards companies customer service to arrange our free flights. However,
after a somewhat confusing and frustrating conversation, my hopes for free
flights were quickly deflated.
Mini Disappointments = Mega Opportunities. In the realm of disappointments, this was a mini one. The often-toted advice in this type of situation would be “shake it off” and “don’t give it another thought.” As common as this advice may be, its not very helpful. Ignoring the emotions of disappointment doesn’t make you better at handling them, nor does it strengthen your resilience for future ones.
Small disappointments are great opportunities to practice being disappointed. As counter-intuitive as this sounds, consider how often you feel frustrated or let down by misunderstandings. It would be unrealistic to expect to go through life without experiencing disappointment. How you handle these small disappointments can make a stark difference over time in how you react to the big ones. To build these skills it helps to understand the neurochemistry of disappointment.
Dopamine and Your Expectation Circuitry. Disappointment is directly connected to the neural transmitter, dopamine. Most know dopamine as a “reward” chemical. This is only partly correct. When it comes to disappointment Cambridge University Researcher, Dr. Wolfram Schutz studies suggest its role is less around achieving the reward but instead, more around the anticipated correctness of the reward.
Overlaying this science on my experience, it can be assumed that my brain anticipated getting a reward in the form of a free flight, causing my dopamine levels to surge. Once on the phone and it became apparent my reward was not going to be met, my dopamine levels fell, and the familiar pang of disappointment was experienced.
Here are three strategies to help
manage the neurological anticipation and handle the disappointment in a more
resilient way.
Take a moment to feel the disappointment. Don’t try just to ignore the feeling or simply “brush them off.” Suppressed or ignored feelings do tend to build up over time making them harder to manage in the long run. Whether a big or small disappointment, acknowledge it. Research from Matt Lieberman out of UCLA used fMRI’s to show activity in the emotional system of the brain is lessened by recognizing and identifying the negative emotions being perceived. By admitting to yourself you feel disappointed, you dilute the intensity of the feeling. Interestingly, it is within the same emotional brain system that the nucleus accumbens is located which is responsible for the dopamine circuitry in the first place, which helps you manage your reactions at a neurochemical level.
Keep disappointment in perspective with the ‘Rule of 10’. Your emotional brain is notorious for blowing
things out of proportion. One way to offset this response is to mentally put
parameters around your disappointment to keep it in perspective. Ask yourself,
will this have an impact in 10 minutes from now? 10 hours from now? 10 days, weeks,
months or years? The big ones need a lot
more of our mental and emotional resources, so keep the small disappointments within
realistic parameters.
Don’t lose focus on what is good. You tend to experience loss more strongly than reward, even at a neural level (check out this great review in Scientific America). Without intentional action, you are prone to lose sight of the good or minimize the positive possibilities for the future. At the least, there is often an opportunity to learn something from disappointment, even if it means increasing our disappointment tolerance and strengthening your resilience with the strategies shared.
Unmanaged,
disappointment takes up a lot of mental real estate, energy, and enthusiasm
that is better spent in other ways. Resilience isn’t about not feeling emotion,
its about strengthening your ability to recover and learn from disappointment
and setbacks in a way that makes you stronger in the face of future challenges.
For
me, this was a small disappointment but a great opportunity to practice for the
next time without losing sight of the fact that we were very lucky to be going on
a vacation!
Oh yes, that is what my perpetually optimistic superwoman brain has historically had me believing when things were going well and I’m firing on all cylinders. The times when I am working on a project that I love, or when I am being challenged to learn something new, and especially when I am juggling multiple opportunities. During those periods if you suggested that I consider taking a break, slowing things down, setting more realistic expectations, my responses previously were:
Time? I manage it!
Energy? Got lots of it!
To-Dos? Crossing them off!
Sleep? Who needs it!
That is until the mere mortal Superwoman
loses her powers and just isn’t that super anymore.
During one of my power-drained days when I
was running on fumes, I decided to look up the story of superwoman.
Superwoman was first introduced in 1947. Lois Lane had a dream that she became
superwoman after she got a blood transfusion from Superman. However, her powers were drainable and could
only last for 24 hours.
Granted, the blood transfusion concept; not
so good. Yet I couldn’t ignore the
symbolism in the story.
The idea of having superhuman strengths and powers were just a dream.
The powers were not eternally infinite – they were more quickly drained by over-use and within a certain period were gone until adequate recharging.
That day as I sat on the couch, tired,
ineffective and in low spirits, I was reminded that I am not superwoman and no
amount of wishing will make it so. No
one has superhuman strengths because we are HUMAN and that includes me. I am not ‘less’ of a person if I can’t find
an extra 5 hours in a day, or if I need to get more than 5 hours of sleep or if
I can’t cross off every “to-do,” every day.
And for the days that I do seem to pull off
the impossible superwoman feats, I need to remember it is an expectation, not
the rule and all energy is finite. If I
keep in the mode of relentless pursuit of trying to do it all, I drain my
powers and there are consequences.
It is funny how I often I’ve thought of
Superwoman as a symbol of strength, but maybe I can use her as a reminder of my
humanness. To remind me to accept my
limitations and acknowledge them – not to be constrained by them or defined by
them, but to have compassion for the fact that I have them.
To know my energy limits is a strength and
to restore my energy is a responsibility – that knowledge is my superpower.
When it comes to delegation most of us have heard the old saying “if you need something done, give it to a busy person.” It turns out if we believe this, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment and burning out good people. So how should we approach delegation? Well the answer may be found in the following equation:
Delegation Capacity
= Time Pressure x Task Switching
“Too much to do and not enough time” is one of the most often cited stressors in organizations today and the reason why understanding each variable in this equation is so important. This perception of extreme busyness has created valid challenges for managers when delegating work (where do you go when everyone is maxed out?), and for employees assessing reasonable workloads (how do you keep delivering when already feeling overwhelmed?).
However, in today’s organizations time pressure is often non-negotiable, and simultaneously executing on multiple competing priorities is not only a cultural norm, but it’s also the expectation. Let’s focus on how to use this Delegation Capacity equation best.
Starting with the first variable, Time Pressure. We’ve all been there, yet another urgent request lands on our desk. With the deadline imminent and the expectations high, we push late into the night to complete the request. After reviewing and rechecking we feel (deceivingly) confident that it is a job well done, so we submit, just making the deadline.
Days later we re-read, or worse, our boss knocks on our door to share that what seemed like great work only 48 hours ago, is unclear, filled with mistakes, and simply doesn’t live up to our real potential. Frustration reigns all around in this no-win situation.
This scenario does not surprise Dr. Teresa Amabile from Harvard Business School who has been studying the consequences of time pressure on performance for the past decade. Her discoveries should seriously influence how we think about delegation.
She has found that when people are busy and under challenging time constraints to deliver, they doget more work done. Hence the belief ‘if you need it done, give it to the busy person.’ However, contrary to popular belief, the quality of work goes down, so less significant work will is achieved under time pressure. Exactly the scenario described above.
Research out of the Netherlands sheds light on how time pressure impacts quality. First, as deadlines get closer, fewer alternatives and options get considered in the brainstorming phase. Second, the decision-making process relies on the “first come, first served” thinking bias. Although the first idea may not have been the best, most creative or strategic, we move forward with it because it was the most readily available and perhaps easiest to execute on. Third, our available working memory (or cognitive capacity), decreases as anxiety increases about meeting the deadline leaving us less able to critically and accurately review the material. We miss information and errors that are right in front of our eyes (in psychological circles this is called inattentional blindness).
If you have ever been late for an important off-site meeting and driven right past your exit (even if you have looked directly at the sign!), you will know exactly what I mean.
To be clear, some pressure does help us focus, but too much time pressure overrides our best abilities. Understanding this keeps us from making some common mistakes.
As the “delegator” we mistakenly think that applying pressure by reinforcing the urgency and our high expectations will help people work better under tight time constraints, but in reality, we are having exactly the opposite impact.
As the “delegatee” we may think we’ll do our best work in that “eleventh hour,” but this is also wrong. Time pressure has a deleterious impact on the quality of work. And yet, this is only part of the puzzle.
The second variable is Task switching, which is a cognitive function
that consists of shifting attention between one task and another. When it comes to
delegation capacity, yes, some people can handle more task switching and yes,
experience and expertise (and a great productivity App), may help people manage
competing priorities. However, it is
inarguable that at a cognitive level,
our brain has limits to how much task switching it can processes (and this
is further impacted and constrained by increasing time pressure). Investigating task switching helps us answer
the question – how busy is too busy?
To best understand if the next delegated task will be the tipping point between effective busyness and ineffective overwhelm, let me use a cooking example. As a novice cook (novice by choice as cooking is my least favorite thing to do), I have found success with recipes that have multiple steps that can be done in discrete succession. And yet, my latest attempt was a miserable failure as it required extreme multitasking with sauces to simmer, pastry to be rolled and fillings to be mixed nearly simultaneously (and add on that I was also trying to complete this article between simmering’s and it was simply a recipe for a disaster!).
There are three elements
that impact task switching performance in delegation decisions:
Task Volume. At some point, too many is too much!
Task Connection. Related tasks are
easier to switch between. For example, it is simpler to focus on making my
sauces and rolling my pastry because they are linked tasks compared to making
that same sauce while trying to finish this article as they are unrelated and
require different types of cognitive processing.
Task Completion. If the tasks can be
done in successive order to completion, we’ll have more cognitive capacity to
focus on the quality of work. Therefore, if I complete the recipe from start to
finish and then move to writing the article, I will have more cognitive capacity
for each. In theory, the quality of each should go up, though not the case for
my phyllo pastries!
The delegation capacity equation is both
applicable and informative when considering how much people can tolerate before
their performance suffers because even highest performers have limits. So if we
need to delegate to an already busy person (or say yes to a boss and still
deliver great work), then below are a few approaches that set everyone up for
success even in challenging, pressure filled situations.
If you are the Delegator
Here are
some ideas that create space for your people to do their best work:
Consolidate the tasks
that you delegate. Put like tasks with like.
The less “task switching” you create, the more processing capacity they
will have available. Keep process tasks,
creative tasks, reflective-based tasks together as much as possible.
Block distractions. Task switching isn’t just moving from one
required task to the next, but also managing the distractions that come with meetings,
answering email, knocks on the door, client visits, etc. If possible, under tight time pressure support
your people by blocking as many distractions as possible allowing them to
focus.
Manage your
expectations.
Chances are you are feeling the pressure also, and you now need to depend on others to meet your deadlines. This is challenging so you must remind
yourself that everyone has limits and under pressure, these are even narrower.
When you are providing support, having an expectation of “excellence” in their
delivery is both attainable and sustainable, but under pressure, it is unfair
and dangerous to expect “perfection.”
If you are the Delegatee
If you are the recipient of the
delegation, here are some things to consider to ensure you can do your best
work:
Ask for help. Working under pressure and
working on multiple projects means you will miss things. Ask for “fresh eye” reviewers. Ask for people to let you focus. Asking for
help is not a weakness, it shows you are committed to doing great work.
Know your limits and clarify expectations. If you are asked to complete a project but don’t feel you are able
to give it the time it needs, be honest and
solution oriented. Lay out all of
your current deliverables for your manager as they may not know all that you
have on the go. By
striking the right balance, you appear eager and capable, while giving your manager
the opportunity to make an informed decision to give the project to someone
else, give you an extended deadline, or reassign your other work.
Manage your thinking and
emotions.
When we have too much to do and not enough time we tend to go into
crisis mode. Take both a mental and emotional
pause. Breathe and ask yourself, how you
can approach this as a challenge to learn and grow, versus a crisis to try to
get through. You may not be able to
change the pressure, but you can control your thinking about the situation.
If you want things done, busy people will get them done. If you want busy people to do great work, help manage the pressure because even the busiest and best performers need this, along with other simple things (like, you know, sleep!).
Perhaps the delegation myth isn’t fully busted; however, understanding capacity and tools to create it will allow everyone to make more strategic delegation decisions.
I recently spoke at a conference where the theme was “Learning to Fail in the Spirit of Innovation.” In preparation for my talk, the senior team shared that they aspired to create a high-trust, highly collaborative environment to enable people to take risks without being afraid to fail. Unfortunately, that was not currently the case. As a leadership strategist, I have found that there is a strong connection between failure and forgiveness.
Weeks later with approximately 500 people in the room, I tested the potential of this connection. I asked the audience to please stand up if, in the spirit of innovation, anyone had ever felt wronged by a colleague at work. Examples could have included someone had taking credit for their work, inappropriately blaming them for a mistake, circumventing them in the decision-making process, questioning their integrity, or wrongly accusing them of acting with self-serving intentions and motivations.
As you may have guessed, everyone in the audience was standing. I then asked how many of them had fully addressed, let go and forgiven their colleagues for these wrong doings? There were squeamish, quiet laughs in the audience.
Making mistakes and conflict among colleagues are both inevitable and required in the process of innovation. However, what is spoken of less often is how we respond to each. Withholding forgiveness has a far-reaching ripple effect, starting with those involved and out to the organization as a whole. Complicating matters, most colleagues depend on one another so holding a grudge and commiserating while letting frustrations fester only serves to drain energy, increase negativity and draw out a difficult situation. Ultimately, the quality and quantity of innovative results are lost because no one is willing to risk failure in that environment; the cost is far too high.
Many organizations are quick to talk about the concept of failure yet miss that the impact of failure on humans is an emotional one. Acknowledging that is the first step. The second step is practicing it. Below are some strategic and productive practices to support forgiveness, repair relationships, restore trust, helping people feel safe enough to take risks and learn from their failings.
1. Practice Holding onto Forgiveness versus Holding onto Resentment.
There is a saying: “Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” The research on resentment is clear. Not only does it consume valuable time and productivity, but it also taxes your emotional and mental health. For example, there are strong connections to cardiovascular implications, such as increased blood pressure. Other studies have shown that the increased stress of perceived injustice can compromise your immune system, sleep and pain tolerance. While the other person may have wronged you, the only damage is to yourself by holding onto the bitterness.
Alternatively, you can choose to forgive. This doesn’t mean you condone or accept the actions of the other person. Instead, you make a conscious choice that after you have addressed it with that person, independent of the outcome of that conversation, whether they apologize or not, changed or not, you make a choice to hold onto forgiveness instead of being pulled into the negative hold of resentment. If you are looking to positively participate in a “fail and learn” culture and contribute to a happier and healthier workplace, this is an essential skill. The first person that forgiveness impacts is the forgiver, so hold onto that freedom.
2. Practice Holding the Person Accountable versus Holding the Transgressions Against Them.
Forgiveness and accountability are not dependent on one another, however, when paired are a very powerful couple. Outside of your home life, you spend the greatest amount of time at work. Your coworkers are going to make mistakes, feelings will be hurt, and both sides will feel misunderstood at times. To manage this, don’t lower your expectations, instead clarify them to establish accountability.
You can set behavioral parameters and agreements on how things will be handled next time if a similar situation arises. Increase touchpoint meetings to monitor accountability and be open to adjusting to changing requirements. Innovation means new, and anytime people are doing something new they are bound to do it imperfectly. Holding someone accountable catalyzes learning, forgiving failure enables innovation.
3. Practice Focusing on the Future versus Staying Stuck in the Past.
Forgiveness is a complicated concept, often misunderstood and more often said, but not genuinely given. It’s not uncommon for someone to say they forgive, but then hold an internal grudge over someone’s head for weeks, months or even years at a time. As a result, emotional residue builds, and distrust keeps them in the past. Forgiveness is not the same as trusting someone. Forgiveness is free while trust must be earned.You can’t move the needle on trust when withholding forgiveness keeps you stuck in the past.
In the age of innovation and disruption, it is easy to talk about failure. It takes courage to practice it, and even more, it takes courage to forgive it.
This article was originally published on Thrive Global on April 17, 2018: https://www.thriveglobal.com/stories/27619-does-your-company-need-to-replace-fail-with-forgive
How to check if the protector bias is holding women back in your company
After six years of working for a mining company, Joanne was considering
leaving. It wasn’t due to a lack of
support or the hostility of working in a male-dominated industry. Instead, she
wanted to quit because her performance reviews were too good.
Knowing there were things she needed to learn, she was open with Paul, her leader, asking for performance feedback. During their one-on-ones, Paul praised Joanne’s passion and drive. Instead of actionable, specific feedback, he offered to reduce her workload to alleviate the pressure. The problem was, Joanne didn’t need less work, she needed the feedback not only to learn and grow but to gain exposure and credibility with the senior team and evolve in the company. Without feedback, she felt stunted in her development. Unfortunately, research suggests she’s correct.
When she told Paul that she felt underused, Paul was
surprised. He didn’t believe Joanne was
less competent than her male counterparts. In fact, he viewed her as a high
potential. However, he knew that Joanne
was taking care of a sick parent.
Although she had a support network at home that allowed her to be
present and focused at work, he buffered her from critical feedback because he
didn’t want to hurt or overwhelm her. His justification was simple: he was only
trying to help.
On
the surface, it appears Paul is a supportive, empathetic leader. Unfortunately,
Paul’s underlying assumption that Joanne needed to be protected was turning out
to be more detrimental than helpful.
The
2016
Women in the Workplace Report,
a comprehensive study of the state of women in corporate America, shows women receive as much as 20% less specific and
developmentally focused feedback to help them improve performance and
address potential career derailers vs. their male counterparts. These findings
are reinforced by Shelley
Correll and Caroline Simard’s research.
After reviewing 200+ performance
reviews, they found women consistently receive vague feedback both in terms of praise and constructive direction.
Paul was falling into a common bias towards
women: the “Protector Bias,” or better known in psychological circles as
the benevolent bias. He was demonstrating excessive concern for Joanne’s
welfare, casting her as weak, less able to handle pressure and in need of his
protection (Glick et
al., 2007).
Unlike overt sexism, the protector bias appears
in the form of excessive praise and kindness, especially in male-dominated
industries. What’s less obvious (but
more dangerous) is that when it comes to developmental feedback, promotions,
challenging projects and high-pressure roles, women are often overlooked by
these same managers. While these male leaders often have good intentions,
the protector bias can damage women’s careers.
How does this fly under the radar?
First, the protector
bias is hard to identify because it doesn’tseem discriminatory. To determine if the protector bias
is holding women back in your organization, look for indicators in direct
conversations with women, discussions
about women and written performance
reviews. Are women being highly and
generally praised for their performance but getting less performance-specific
feedback? Look for generalities like “we
love her work ethic” or “people love working with her.” Though nice sentiments, they don’t provide
actionable performance feedback to drive growth. Specific feedback could include: “find
opportunities to attend regional meetings and share your division’s goals and
priorities to aid in buy-in alignment.”
Secondly, this
hard-to-detect bias can be far more detrimental than overt discrimination. In a 2007 study, researchers investigated the impact of
benevolent sexism versus overt sexism on women’s performance. They found
benevolent sexism more negatively impacted women’s performance, increased their
self-doubt, and eroded confidence. These cues of women needing more direction,
assistance and protection were picked up by others, further undermining women’s
competence, confidence and increased the chance of achievements and ability being
overlooked when promotions and challenging opportunities arose.
Finally, it’s hard to
address because the “offender” feels like they’re helping women, not holding
them back. Most
men would say they believe women arejust as capable as men. Andrea Kramer, the author of “Breaking through Bias” found that only 12% of men think
gender bias is a problem in their organization, yet looking at the disparity in
pay, promotions, and female executive leaders, the problem is vastly
underestimated. IHHP’s
research shows that women have a second layer
of pressure that men don’t. Women must fight harder for status, are
under-represented, have smaller networks with less support, and must “prove”
themselves in a still-patriarchal business environment.
If feedback is expressed differently for men than women, a check-in is
required.
Paul needs to consider if providing “kind” feedback is a
pattern with just Joanne (the only woman in his group) or with all his direct
reports.
Ask these three questions to determine whether the Protector Bias is
holding women back in your company when it comes to giving feedback:
Is it for
you? Are you being too
“kind” with feedback because you don’t want to look bad, hurt the relationship,
or have employees dislike you? If so, you’re
missing opportunities with your female employees and all your potential higher
performers. Constructive, development-focused
feedback is key to professional growth and competence.
Is it for her? You don’t want to hurt her feelings, or worry
that she won’t be able to handle the feedback?
Do you want to “protect” her? If
so, you’ll limit your female employees’ growth and/or retention of high
performers.
If a male colleague were standing in front of you, would you feel
the same apprehension in giving feedback? If there’s any hesitation in your answer, pay
attention.
A Strategy for Paul. Paul should consciously shift his
mindset and think about the specifics.
Before his next conversation with Joanne, he needs to consider how
specific feedback could help her grow. He should also realize that a lack of
information will hold Joanne back and imply that she’s less competent than her
male counterparts.
A strategy for Joanne. Joanne needs to continue pushing for
specific feedback. After the next
conversation with Paul, she needs to continue to focus on her performance and
keep the intrusive self-doubts at bay.
Joanne needs to trust herself, continue to build her awareness, and
elicit feedback from others as well, taking her development and career
evolution in her own hands as much as possible.
As Dr. Kristen Jones shared in her article Stop protecting Women from Challenging Work, “All people like to be treated with courtesy and respect. But it does mean that some behaviors — those that are patronizing, overly protective, and unsolicited — can be harmful”. Don’t let kindness impair a career.
